Your team:
Jalen Hurts inadvertently giving us a new meme while trying to show his dislocated finger… 😂 pic.twitter.com/dRVBl4bR31
— JPAFootball (@jasrifootball) January 7, 2024
Your 2023 record: 11-6, which is so, so misleading. Yes, the Eagles started 10-1. Yes, they could still push their tush better than Angela White can. Yes, they avenged their Super Bowl loss to Kansas City IN Kansas City, and then walked off the Bills for good measure. They were even the top seed in the NFC at the end of that run, and by a healthy margin. That was all very impressive. Eagles diehards punched their grandparents in exultation.
But you didn’t have to look very hard to see warning signs. During the Eagles’ early stretch of [snickering] dominance, they nearly blew a late 25-14 lead to Mac Jones. They needed a 54-yarder in overtime just to beat a Commanders team that was in the middle of their 450th rebuild. They lost a land war to the Jets. Their freshly paid QB developed a neat habit of turning the ball over. And their pass defense turned to ash.
All of these issues became painfully evident in the closing months of the season, when the Eagles gave up 42 at home to the Niners in an NFC title game rematch, and then handed Dallas what Jerry Jones declared to be Mike McCarthy’s “biggest” win as Cowboys head coach. Posterized by Mike McCarthy. There is no going lower than that … OR IS THERE?!
Prior to last season, the Eagles hired up-and-coming assistant coach Sean Desai to take over as defensive coordinator for now-Arizona head coach Jonathan Gannon. But when Desai’s unit visibly regressed, his boss looked at Matt Patricia housing a cheeseburger on the sideline and said to himself, That’s our man. Patricia was then installed as the shadow defensive playcaller for the rest of the way. Here were the first returns from that bloodless coup:
This was a collapse that could be seen on any horizon, even if you lived in New Zealand. The Eagles ended the season with the second-worst pass defense in the league, the third-worst overall defense in terms of points allowed, a minus-10 turnover differential, and an offense that was unstoppable for one yard but quite stoppable for the other 99. Oh, and their head rent-a-cop got ejected from a game for picking a fight with Dre Greenlaw on the sideline.
If there were ever going to be one NFL team that made a point of pushing an unaccountable off-duty cop in front of everyone like it’s cute, it would be the Eagles. Everyone hated this team. The fans hated them. The analytics hated them. The betting public hated them. Best of all (for me), they all hated one another. And they still do, thanks to this fella!
Your coach: Nick Sirianni.
Cry Eagles Cry pic.twitter.com/oCyne1sHM7
— CJ Fogler account may or may not be notable (@cjzero) December 11, 2023
Never fun to realize your team is led by the TA of NFL coaches. By the end of 2023, Sirianni’s seat was hotter than your old man’s buttcrack. The Eagles kept Sirianni around anyway, hoping that he’d be able to mend fences with everyone on the roster, his QB foremost among them. Let’s see how that’s working out:
Interactions between Sirianni and (Jalen) Hurts during practice this spring and summer have appeared limited. While (new offensive coordinator Kellen) Moore shepherds the offense — a walkie-talkie in hand to call in the plays to the quarterback — Sirianni bounces from station to station… There was only one observed moment between Sirianni and Hurts — a high-five initiated by Sirianni as the two passed by one another when Hurts was on his way to the huddle.
Electrifying. Instead of yelling at each other, the two people who are most important to the Eagles’ success just avoid one another. Now what other pair might that remind me of? Oh yes.
Nick Sirianni is a yappy idiot whose act wears thin after more than 17 minutes of exposure. His new offensive coordinator, Kellen Moore, is on his third job in as many years. His new defensive coordinator, Vic Fangio, got run out of Miami after one year. Owner Jeffrey Lurie will spend all of this season opening up Bill Belichick’s contact on his phone and letting his thumb hover over the CALL button for hours on end.
Your quarterback: Jalen Hurts, whose career arc now bears a frightening resemblance to that of his predecessor. Hurts has a frigid relationship with his own coaches, gets paid a mint, calls his own shots and misses them, loves throwing deep balls to nowhere, and gets hurt all the time. A quick glance at Hurts’s career stats says that he’s never averaged more than 250 yards passing per game in any season, has never thrown for more than 23 TDs in a season, and just had the highest interception rate of his career. Guess who’ll be quarterbacking this team three years from now? Not Jalen Hurts. Maybe it’ll be second-year man Tanner McKee, who’s balled out all summer long. Sounds promising? Well, Sirianni considers that a clown idea, bro:
The Eagles actually traded for Steelers bust Kenny Pickett this spring, and now insist that he’s the right man to lead them in the event that Hurts dislocates his testicles again. Kenny Pickett is the lowest hill a man can die on. I’ve seen J.D. Vance pick better fights.
What’s new that sucks: SAQUON SAQUON SAQUON!!!!
This was the headline transaction of the Eagles’ offseason. I’ll get to the important shit later on, but let’s focus on RB Saquon Barkley here for just a moment. Last year, D’Andre Swift managed 1,000 yards in this offense despite his coach’s pathological aversion to running the ball. Now Swift is gone to Chicago and will be replaced by a back who is A) older, B) slower, C) less durable, and D) more expensive. Howie Roseman, you bastard. HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING IT, SIR?
You guys better hope that Saquon can stay upright for most of the season, because behind him are Kenneth Gainwell and … uh … Kenny Pickett? I got nuthin’. And don’t expect to brotherly shove your way to a first down whenever you like, because Hall of Fame C Jason Kelce fucked off into retirement. Kelce was the load-bearing I-beam of this operation. Without him, Jet Right 86 Desperation Heave will be your go-to play-call in the clutch.
Meanwhile, Roseman—who is the Michael Rubin of NFL front office executives—frantically attempted to fix the pass defense in a single offseason by swapping out Haason Reddick for EDGE Bryce Huff, signing washed-up Super Bowl champ Devin White away from Tampa, and remodeling the secondary entirely. He grabbed CBs Quinyon Mitchell and Cooper DeJean in the first two rounds of the draft, and then brought back S C.J. Gardner-Johnson from Detroit.
He also drafted Jeremiah Trotter Jr., which means nothing.
If this defense gets its shit together, the Eagles will still have to reckon with the fact that they have no depth at the skill positions on offense, and the fact that their locker room is a viper pit. Back to that ESPN report from Tim McManus and Jeremy Fowler:
Addressing the media on the final day of minicamp in early June, Hurts was asked about Sirianni:
What have you noticed about Nick being open-minded to change up the offense like he has? What does that say about him?
Hurts, who learned how to de-thorn even the most pointed queries during his time at Alabama under Nick Saban, offered a response that could be seen as a match to kindling.
“Um,” he said, followed by a pause and a short closed-mouth laugh. “I mean, that’s a great question. I don’t know that I know the answer to it.”
I know a pre-autopsy when I read it. Nick Sirianni is the failure I thought Dan Campbell would be.
What has always sucked: I don’t have to shit on you this time, Eagles Nation. I don’t have to point out how obnoxious you are, or how ugly your parents are, or your penchant for gleefully assaulting the disabled. There’s no need. Look at your sorry-ass team now. They mailed in the end of last season, and now they’re gonna mail in all of this season just to prove a point. I don’t know what that point is, and I don’t care.
All I know is that nothing I say to you guys right now will hurt anywhere near as badly as the football team you’re about to watch will. Every win will be uninspiring. Every loss will be decisive. Every rumor of locker-room dissent will be EXTREMELY true. All of that will make you cry, scream, and overeat. Then the Eagles will lose their final game of the year 45-2, everyone will be fired, and your heart will explode. Again, I don’t need to make fun of you for any of this. Just watching it happen to you will be satisfying enough.
Gritty was never cool. John Fetterman is a penis.
What might not suck: The early schedule is less than arduous. Make your DFS selections accordingly.
HEAR IT FROM EAGLES FANS!
Chris:
Matt Patricia?? Why did they think Matt Patricia would solve anything? Who ultimately made that call? If that person is still employed, then the front office needs to be fired into the vengeful sun. Matt Patricia?? Matt FUCKING Patricia???!!! Who the fuck?? WHY?
Keith:
Our coach has about as much effect on the outcome of a game as Jason Garrett, but somehow manages to be twice as arrogant and 10 times as obnoxious.
Michael:
Our QB is a legit weirdo and still the same guy who was beaten out by Tua because he doesn’t know what to do when blitzed. But it’s cool, if he gets hurt again we signed Kenny Pickett.
John:
The global cocaine market fluctuates when Howie starts making trades.
Paul:
Everything I have learned about Big Dom and his supposed invaluable duties has been against my will.
Jon:
Our coach has had all responsibilities taken from him except for babysitting the wide receivers, and somehow he might not even be competent enough to do that.
Drew Magary:
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