DARK TALES FROM THE VET PT. 3: REAL AZZ WHOOPINGS THAT TOOK PLACE AT PHILA’S FAMED VETERANS STADIUM

. AS YOU KNOW, THIS IS AN ONGOING SERIES OF STORIES THAT ACTUALLY TOOK Place at The Vet back in the day. These stories are told by none other than former Vet Stadium Security Gaurd Odessa Turner. However This time around Mr. Turner gave us a story that takes place at The Giants Stadium​, not The Vet, but when we told Mr. Turner that we hired you to specifically bring us stories that took place at The Vet, his response was….

“Hey! I’m just an old man! What the hell do you expect from me?” I just show up for the money to gets my crack and my steel reserve malt liquor! So umm…. With that being said, this is the story.

The year was 1992. The date was November 22nd. The combatants were Rolando (fresh paroled) Bivins -vs- Kip (frail) Van Warren.

The argument: It was a brisk September day. On this day, a road trip of a few 700 level members would end in infamy.

Unbeknownst to fans at Giants Stadium, that day they would witness a thrashing that would only be equaled by the Tyson/Douglas fight.

The first mistake Kip made was showing up next to a group of 700 level members wearing an absolutely ridiculous Over the top Giants jersey. The second mistake Kip made was, before even getting to his seat, he yelled, “Go Giants!” But the ultimate sin that Kip made was ordering, from the beer vender, a vodka on ice with a lemon twist and an umbrella.

Although it was a hard fought game between the two combatants on the grid iron, it came to a head just before Sean Landeta kicked a punt that would go down in Eagles lore.

You see, during the coarse the game, the Giants were beating the Eagles, and with each play that advanced the Giants, Kip, being a fan, would jump up and yell in excitement for his team. Phrases like, “Die, Eagles, Die! As we go on to victory.” “Way to clip those wings.” And of course, “I see why you bums are near extinction!”

Kip also made the mistake of forgetting he was sitting next to Rolando. Rolando was the type of person who enjoyed jail.
Rolando was at this particular game celebrating his release with his friends from the Multi-Felon gang. ( To get in this gang, you must commit a Felony)

Throughout the game, Rolando endured the relentless taunts, of Kip. Meanwhile, down on the field Sean Landetta received the ball to punt. Kip, the sheer excitement knocked over Rolando’s $5 cup of beer right onto his brand new 1992 red and white Jordans. Sean Landeta punted, Rolando stood. Vai Sikahema received the punt, Kip said, “What’s your problem, bro?”

Vai ran to the 20, Rolando’s entire palm engulfed Kip’s face. Vai crossed the 25, Rolando’s fingers wrapped around the top and side of his face like the creature from Aliens! Vai crossed the 30, Rolando lifted Kip off the ground! Via crossed the 35, Kip, in an act of sheer fear, flailed his legs and graced Rolando’s nuts.

Vai crosses the 40, Rolando drops Kip and grabs his nether region. Vai is now at the 45, and much like the Giants, Kip now has a chance. But Kip calls for security rather than making a run for it. So much like when Vai cuts back to avoid the Giant around the 45 yard line, so to does Rolando recover. Vai is now at mid field.

What happens next begins the inspiration for the mega hit video game, Mortal Kombat. Rolando yells, “Get over here!” and lands an upper cut that makes his shoes untie themselves and leave the stadium.

Vai is at the 45, Kip yells out in a concussed daze, “You can’t do this, man!” Rolando grabs Kip by the lapels and tossed him into the main stairway. Vai is at the 30, Rolando turns his around and yells, “Who the hell asks for an umbrella in a drink?”

Vai is at the 25, “Look what you did to me shoes you mark”! Vai is the 20, “I had to put up with your yapping the whole dam gam”!Vai is at the 15, “Hey”! Kip responds, “Chill out, Bro. I wasn’t dissin ya! I believe what they did to Rodney King was wrong”! Vai is at the 5, “I said what happened to Rodney King was wrong.” Vai crossed the goal line and scored a touchdown.

In celebration for the touchdown, Vai delivered a left body blow to the pylon! Simultaneously, Rolando delivered a crushing left to the kidney area! Kip instantly urinates. Vai fired a right hand the pylon’s midsection, simultaneously, Rolando delivered a right hand the solar plexus! Kip breathes out every molecule of air in his body.

Vai delivered a left to the head of the pylon, simultaneously, Rolando delivered a left to the jaw, instantly breaking it!

Vai delivered a left the pylon’s chest, simultaneously, Rolando delivered a left to the right side of Kip’s chest, bruising the entire pectoral muscle.

As Vai is being pulled away by his teammates he delivered one more right hand to the face. Simultaneously, Rolando’s gang pulled him away, one of the gang members could be heard yelling, “Finish him.”

At that moment he delivered a punch to the eye which puffs up like a can of biscuits in the oven. As Vai and the Eagles celebrate, the gang is captured by security.

As EMT’s strap in poor Kip “Frail” Van Warren to the gurney, neck kept still by a brace, leg in a splint, arm hanging in a handkerchief tied behind his neck brace, gauze taped to his right eye, a soft cast on his right foot, smelling salts are applied.
Kip hazily comes to. His final words before relosing consciousness, “Did we win?”

Adayus Knight
Tyrone Wisdom
Sports Humour