CHIP KELLY ENTERS WITNESS PROTECTION! FEARS FOR HIS LIFE AFTER RECIEVING DEATH THREATS FROM EAGLES FANS!
THE LOVE AFFAIR IS OVER! PHILA. EAGLES FANS HAVE HAD ENOUGH! REPORTS ARE BEGINNING TO SURFACE NOW THAT Phila. Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly has been taken into protective custody and placed into The Federal Government’s Witness Protection Program.
This development apparently happened after Sunday afternoons game at The Linc in Phila. Where the Eagles pulled off the impossible and lost to The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This comes on the heels of last weeks disaster where they also pulled the impossible and lost to the lowly Miami Dolphins.
This resulted in an Explosion of Social Media Comments filled with Profanities and Death Threats from Passionate but Justifiably Angry Phila Eagles Fans! This led to Eagles Owner Jeffrey (my forehead is so big it affects the gravitational pull of the solar system) Lurie to call in The FBI. Not because he feared for Chip’s life, but because , lets face it The Eagles could use some Good P. R right now, seeing as though they suck!
Well Chip’s been taken away and presumed to be hiding out under a bunch of assumed aliases and identities.
We Compiled some of those Tweets and Facebook posts for you the reader, because we know that’s what you like to see and to be honest, it gives us an easy way out were we don’t have to actually write the rest of this article. Thank you Passionate but Justifiably Angry Phila Eagles Fans.
Danny Callaway: N. E Phila.- “You piece of Gobbage! When i find you im gonna take my Hunting Rifle, shoot your balls off! Shellac “em”, stuff em with Eagles feathers, mount em on a Plaque and hang em on my wall! And then im going ta kill you!”
Sister Sarah Jenkins: Mt Carmel Ebeneezer 1st Republican Baptist Episcopalian Miller Lite Deitz & Watson Church of Gawd – “Chip Kelly i don’t usually talk this way but im gonna blow you off the face of this earth! I Bet my Bingo Money and my Lottery money in that Tampa Bay game and when i lost, my pressure went up! My sugah went up and i had an accident in my pants, my Sunday Best Pants! As Gawd as my witness the last thing you gonna see is a 74 yr od Woman Cockin a 9 Millimeter in your face, and pullin the trigger at point blank range! In the Sweet name of J*sus”.
Rasheed Outlaw: “Listen Fam! aint no rap! its on sight dog! all i do is trap, sell dope and listen to rap music allday! and at the end of that day after i destroy other peoples lives with my dope, at least The Eagles could do is win and when they dont, i make my wife and kids bag up the dope and chop up the coke! The sight of my kids baggin up the dope and choppin up the coke makes me mad and that’s all your fault Chip Kelly! Plus you wear green and i dont like green! When i was little my mom got raped by a guy who looked just like Kermit The Frog!…. But that’s none of your business. You gonna Die Holmes!
Wow! Phila dont play that yall! Chip Kelly you better stay in Protective Custody if you know what’s best for you. But if you ever do decide to come back out, we know a good place for you to safely & effectively hide from all those Angry Eagles Fans. Yes a place where no one would ever find you cause no one would ever think to look for you there. And that place is………………..The End Zone.
Abe Finklestein
Sports Humour
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