ABE FINKLESTEIN’S FANTASY SPORTS FIGHTS: BATTLE NO. 6 CAITLYN JENNER VS RUPAUL!

BRUCE JENNER WILL ALWAYS BE THE OLYMPIC HERO WHO MADE IT ON TO THE Cover of A Wheaties Box, that’s what he’s initially known for and believe it or not he became such a big part of American Pop Sports Culture that at one point in the mid 80’s every other rapper had to have a “I’m the winner like Bruce Jenner” rhyme in their song.

So to us he will forever be linked to Sports because of his accomplishments in the past. But that was then and this is now, and now he’s Caitlyn, and this! This is Abefinklestein’s Fantasy Sports Fights so let’s get straight down to it!

We have Caitlyn going up against Drag Queen Icon and perpetual wearer of Women’s Garments, Rupaul! And this Hissy Fight takes place at A Bel Air McDonald’s ( yes rich folks eat Mickey dees too! ) where Rupaul sees Caitlyn in line with The Whole Kardashian Clan ordering a Fruit Salad and asking McDonald’s will they “Toss her salad (get your mind out the gutter!) ” for him we mean her,

Rupaul compliments Caitlyn on her Vanity Fair Photo Shoot and to her surprise Caitlyn turns around and says “thanx I know you can appreciate it seeing as though you haven’t been on the Cover of any magazine for quite a while now”!

Well honey it was pretty much on after that, as Rupaul immediately says “all this from a guy who waited til he was 64 to chop his wee-wee off? That was it Caitlyn got mad and threw her Fruit Salad in Rupaul’s Face! Rupaul screams out the classic ” oh no you didn’t b*tch!

And they both go into a standoff and start posturing and posing, it looks like they’re not gonna fight until someone plays Rapper Camron’s “Get em Girl”and they both immediately go at it, throwing classic girly windmill punches and connecting all face blows! Geesh! What is it about that song?

It gets serious and The Manager of The McDonald’s comes out and says ” if you don’t break it up and stop it right now, I’m gonna call Mediatakeout here first instead of TMZ! At that point 5 school kids get up and whip the managers Azz!

Back to the fight, Rupaul takes advantage of the diversion and throws Brucelyn into the Garbage can spilling garbage everywhere forcing Caitlyn to fall and partially expose her Man made boobs, Ru sees the opening and picks up a freshly cooled tray of apple pies and busts Caitlyn in the head so hard that the pies fly everywhere, subsequently leading one of the school kids to make this statement ” dizamn! Maybe we should’ve let the manager call Mediatakeout cause it’s not everyday you see two men dressed like women having a pie fight”

But wait a minute what’s this? Ronald McDonald comes out in Full Drag Glory,( we should’ve known , this guy has been wearing makeup for years ) does The Sashay and The Twerk and tells both of these “Not Fighting Felines” to kick rocks! At that point Rupaul does a full out NFL Punt kick right in to Ronald’s Chicken Mcnuggets, which were probably completely tucked into his Golden Arches. Rupaul picks him up and throws the hapless clown head first into the soft serve ice cream machine. that’s it for Ronald!

But nonetheless Rupaul who at this point is beginning to dominate the fight and as a result begins to sing Jennifer Holiday’s “And I Am Telling You”, Brucelyn sees the opening and with all her transgendered might throws an apple pie directly into Rupaul’s singing mouth. Ru begins to choke and falls to her knees and with Former Olympic Wheaties Box Speed Caitlyn runs up on Rupaul, goes into a wicked karate stance and screams out Kawasaki! ( don’t ask )

And swings so hard that he, we mean she,Rips her newly sewed yet to fully heal Doctor/Man-made Boobs. Caitlyn falls to the ground in pain screaming ” noooo! I think you broke my boobies”! Rupaul gets up and goes in for the kill, she starts kicking Caitlyn in her flat white butt!, while proclaiming “I’m from Jersey Bee-atch! And you bout to get a Transcontinental Azz whipping!

It looks to be over for poor Brucelyn as Rupaul who is 6-5 clearly looks like she’s about to win.( quick note: I hope God will forgive me for referring to these Grown Azz Men as women)

But wait! Who’s that coming up from the rear? Who’s this Big Human Being? Is it WWE’S The Big Show? Is it Brock Lesnar? Is it?, did Andre a the Giant come back from the dead? Who is this huge???? Oh my god it’s Khloe Kardashian! “Chewbacca”!!

And she grabs Rupaul by the seat of his pants, we mean her pants ( boy this is confusing ) and slings her around so hard that her wig comes off exposing her bald head, Kris, Kim and even lil Kylie jump in and totally whip Rupaul’s Azz!

Some of the Cast of Rupaul’s a Drag Race were there but they didn’t step in to help. So we asked why and they said “ain’t nobody making no money off of that show but Rupaul”Plus Caitlyn’s Transgendered not a Drag Queen. And with that they Just kinda stood there and for no reason at all did that same pose you see them doing above, and just let Caitlyn and The Kardashians finish Rupaul off right in The McDonald’s. Mediatakeout did eventually show up and took the whole story and presented it with a Hip hop, Conspiracy Illuminati spin complete with 10 spelling errors so as to not disappoint their readers.

The winner Caitlyn Jenner- The Moral, there really are no morals in a story about two Men dressed like Women fighting in Mcdonald’s but let’s just say this, Even though Caitlyn’s Boobs fell Apart, those Kardashian B*tches always stick together!

Abefinklestein
sports humour