ABE FINKLESTEIN FANTASY SPORTS FIGHTS: BATTLE NO. 1 THE 85 CHICAGO BEARS vs MON’E DAVIS- WHO WOULD WIN?

Before you say something stupid like it’s obvious that The Bears would win let us point out that were a humor magazine you know like Mad Magazine or Cracked so it’s our job to take an unprecedented, unforeseen ridiculous comedic twist that you wouldn’t see coming. That’s pretty much why you read us because we’re not just Stupid but we own Stupid & d*mmit we’re proud!

Now let’s get straight down to it this Fantasy Fight would have The 85 bears meeting lil Mo’ne at an empty stadium somewhere and as they walk across the field these huge behemoths would be very intimidating to Mo’ne all that greatness, all that manliness, those Big Strong Bears would cast a mighty intimidating shadow over poor cute lil Jada Pinckett looking Mo’ne Davis. But wait Mo’ne is cool as a cucumber why? Then the Bears get closer and Mo’ne is still chilly chill but why? Now the Once Great 85 Bears are right up in poor ole cute ole lil mo’ne’s face and they cast an illuminous shadow of death ( haa iluminous shadow of death how freakin dramatic and unnecessary was it to say that ))over her and it appears to be curtains for the teenage star pitcher.

But wait Mo’ne is cool too cool and remember she’s from Philly so she calmly whistles and Bamm just like that dudes ,homeboys & thugs start coming out the woodworks pulling up in jeeps hoopties and squatters! They hop out and say to the 85 bears ” yo you don’t want no problems oldheads you don’t want no problems oldheads! Then the thugs would point out that they were the 85 bears and this is 2015 and we will f#*k yall old azzes up! But wait the bears would remember that old glory they had in  85  & breakout  & do the 85 bears shuffle gyrating their old pelvis’s in front of Mo’ne & the thugs.

And then……………. Thennnnnnnnnn the bullets will start flying in the sound of 9 millimeters, glocks & dessert Eagles fill the stadium sky with a symphony of  rat ta tat tat & Baka baka baka’s the 85 bears hightail it out of their faster than Floyd Mayweather trying to leave a reading conference!…. And the winner is……Mo’ne Davis

 

abefinklestein

sports humour