ABE FINKLESTEIN FANTASY SPORTS FIGHTS: BATTLE NO. 5 SHAQUILLE O’NEAL VS THE GOLDEN GIRLS

Abe Finklestein | April 28, 2015 | Comedy | No Comments

OK FOLKS HERE’S FIGHT NO. 5 AND BOY IS IT A DOOZIE! BIG OLE SWOLLED UP SHAQ DIESEL VS Everybody’s Favorite Old Ladies THE GOLDEN GIRLS. Our fight takes place at The Shady Pines Nursing Home in Florida where Shaq is visiting his old team The Orlando Magic who for the record have never won ” shaving cream” but he’s there nonetheless, The Golden Girls have just awakened from a nap and boy are they feisty. Rose Nylon “Betty White” misunderstood the term ” fighting shaq” “for fighting for blacks” and showed up with AL ( I look like a bowel movement ) Sharpton and Jesse ( ever since Obama came the Black people threw me away) Jackson with a bunch of picket signs. Bea Arthur ” Dorothy Spornack” has been mistaken for a man 3 times in the last 10 minutes, Ruth Mclanahan ” Blanch Devereaux” is Dry humping the air and hopes for a different kind of fight with Shaq and of course Estelle Getty ” Sophia” has just finished selling most of her monthly supply of OxyContin pain pills to a Tall Black dude with braids that resembles Charles from TMZ who looks around nervously before leaving

Shaq shows up ready to rumble but upon sight of the girls his heart goes out to them as he knows they are old and feeble and remind him of his mother, Suddenly Shaq has an idea! He walks towards them smiles and quotes a verse from The Bible ( awesome read! By the way ) something about loving family and obeying or whatever it was didn’t matter cause as soon as he got close enough ” Dorothy” man punched him in his throat! While “Sophia” delivered a swift kick to Shaq’s testicles that would’ve made any NFL kicker proud and ” Blanche” immediately started humping on Shaq’s leg.

“Rose” starts screaming out no don’t do it he’s black”! Shaq grumbles in pain and lurches out with brute Shaq Fu like strength and delivers an open hand cuff slap to ” Sophia” who goes down quicker than Amber Rose does backstage at The B.E.T Awards, but she so pilled up she doesn’t feel it and pops right back up and says ” that’s all you got be-atch”! Shaq is surprised as “Dorothy” starts to duck bob and weave and overwhelm poor Shaq with Lurch, goon like bolo punches! Shaq screams for Jessie and AL to help him to which they reply ” man we been selling black people out for 30+ yrs. I mean honestly dude what do you expect us to do? We never do anything we just show up and talk”

Ok Shaq has had enough! No more nice guy! He stands up and palms “Dorothy by her face and slams her so hard on the ground she poots dust. ” Rose screams out ” leave em alone he’s black”! ” Blanche is Twerking and bending over and bustin it wide open for Jessie and Al and “Sophia starts to dance like Muhammad Ali in front of Shaq who says” you can dance all you want but I’m a smack a Geritol Belch out yo azz! Shaq approaches Rose menacingly and his large shadow casts a gloom of violence over poor, poor lil old “Rose” it’s seemingly over for The Fiesty old Lady but wait! Wait! At the last second she pulls open her robe and shows Shaq her 93 yr. old naked shriveled prune like body! It’s over! It’s over! Shaq screams ” God please blind me now”! and runs away!

And the winner is….. The Golden Girls.

abefinklestein

sports humour