5 THINGS ABOUT SPEED RACERS CAR THAT MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!

 WE’RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH SPEED RACER & HIS POWERFUL MACH 5, Whether it be  The Watchowski Brothers Horrible 2008 Remake or The Classic Olskool Cartoon that was produced in The 60’s & 70’s using what was considered at the time to be top notch Japanese Animation.
Ok so here’s a quick Mach 5 tutorial about the advanced features on Speed Racers Car,  which had buttons on the steering wheel,  (A-F ) and each button had a Specific Function. I will concentrate on the first four buttons A – D to show you the sheer impossibility and complete cartoon logic stupidity that led me  to put together this Hilarious List of:

5 THINGS ABOUT SPEED RACERS CAR THAT MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!

NO. – 1 Button A – The Powerful Jacks – These Jacks are underneath The Car & when Speed Racer hits button A, the jacks extend out & lift the car into the air, where it proceeds to Fly!……….Effortlessly through the air!………… Just like an airplane!

The Problem is……. If you hit a button & jacks extend out the bottom of your car while you’re doing 100 miles an hour, you’re not gonna take off and fly! You’re just gonna flip da hell over! And not just flip over but flip over violently! Crushing you, Killing you! Or Paralyzing you! Take your pick, Either way you’re getting effed up! Or should i say Jacked up! Get it? Haaa! Ok whatever! But as you can see, that makes absolutely no Sense.

NO. 2 – Button B – The Special All Terrain Grip Tires — When Speed hits button b, out of nowhere plastic just miraculously emerges from inside his tires & covers the rubber on the tires with a treaded material that looks much like da wheels of a Tank, allowing Speed to safely travel over Snow, Mud, Sand, or any terrain effortlessly!

The Problem is…… Honestly how da hell plastic just gonna pop up out ya tire?  And if somehow there was a tire like that 1-you would definitely have to stop the car for this feature to work, 2 the extra plastic inside the tire would make the tire heavier, race cars don’t benefit from having heavier tires and 3 why da hell do you need magically transforming all terrain tires when you’re racing on a racetrack? Racetracks have one terrain!  Uh duh! This makes absolutely no sense.

NO. 3 – Button C -The Propellor Saws That Come Out The Front Grill— These saw-blades extend out the front of The Mach 5’s Grill just in case Speed doesn’t wanna drive around a Forrest, he now can just cut through said Forrest (doin 100 miles & hour) by plowing straight into The Trees & the saw-blades will cut the trees down and they will automatically just fall away from The Car.

The Problem is….. The Trees are not gonna automatically just fall away from The Car, if you’re going 100 miles an hour headed for trees, and saw-blades pop out da front of your Car, chances are you’ll just crash into the trees! And if the blades actually do manage to cut into The Trees & they do fall, they’re gonna fall right onto your Car! Crushing you! This makes absolutely no Sense.

NO. 4 – Button D – The Airtight Bulletproof Cockpit—- Speed Racers Mach 5 can go underwater, and the cars cockpit will automatically seal off and provide oxygen as Speed drives thru the ocean ( yes i just said drive through the ocean ) also, when he’s above ground and being shot at by machine guns the cockpit becomes bulletproof, and machine guns of his own come popping out The Mach 5’s Trunk! Thus protecting him!……And Sometimes ( his flat chested girlfriend ) Trixie.

The Problem is….. Well…. While the cockpit may be waterproof the rest of the car wasn’t, so going underwater would’ve caused severe damage to The Mach 5. Same thing with the cockpit becoming bulletproof during a shootout, the cockpit may be bulletproof but the rest of the car isn’t.

So all somebody had to do was shootout his tires or his gas tank!

( btw you never saw Speed getting gas ) And as far as the machine guns that pop up out his trunk and shoot at people, 1 does Speed Racer even have a license to carry? And 2 wouldn’t those heavy azz military like machine guns just weigh down his trunk? And speaking of Trunks.

NO. 5 – Spritle & Chim Chim hiding in the trunk—– Speeds little brother Spritle ( or whoever da hell he was ) and his Chimpanzee dressed in matching overalls, ( weird ) would frequently hide in Speed’s back trunk and pop up and surprise him! Pretty Often too, like……………um…………….pretty much every episode.

The Problem is…….Maaaaaaan aint no such thing as a race car havin a back trunk!  This is basic logic 101, race cars don’t have trunks! And if they did how come Spritle &  dat d*mn monkey ain’t drown when Speed went underwater and only the cockpit sealed airtight? not da rest of da car?

How come they ain’t die when people were shooting machine guns at the back of The Car? How come the machine guns in the back of The Mach 5 did’nt kill them when they popped up out of nowhere? And if Spritle & Chim Chim were in the trunk then how could the machine guns be in the trunk? What da hell are a monkey & a little boy doing hiding in a grown mans trunk? What kinda freak “ish” did Speed have going on?

And after while would’nt Speed just catch on & start checking his trunk before each race? Seeing as though that race involved being shot at, shooting at people, cutting down trees in a forrest and going underwater!  So as you can see, that too makes absolutely no sense.

In closing, let me just say this to The Makers of Speed Racer, if i ever see one of yall out here on dese streets! I’m a straight peel yall caps back! Just for the lil boy/ monkey thing alone! That thing bothers me man! It aint right! It just aint right!

Hope you Enjoyed The List.

Abe Finklestein

Sports Humour