Here Are 76 Reasons For Giants Fans To Hate Philadelphia Before Playing The Eagles
This is specifically for readers who live above Exit 7A on the New Jersey Turnpike. This is for everyone who will not be among the Santa-booing (1), horse-punching (2), stadium-jail-needing (3), WIP-drunk-dialing (4) fans swarming the parking-lot hellscape (5) outside Lincoln Financial Field (6) in their tattered Astroturf-green jerseys (7) this weekend.
Does that sound like you? Then, please, stop reading.
This is for the brave Giants fans preparing to cross the Walt Whitman Bridge (8) for this divisional playoff game against the Eagles, for people who recognize that a nonfunctioning cracked bell (9) is something to be left on the curb for bulky waste day, for people who can celebrate a victory without needing to coat lampposts with Crisco (10).
Philadelphia stole Rocky (11) from New Jersey — Chuck Wepner, the real Rocky, is from Bayonne — and gave us Rich Kotite (12) and Pat Shurmur (13). We have reasons to be a little salty. If a football team could really “Fly, Eagles, Fly” (14), as the tired fight song goes, it would not be “on the road to victory.” It would be in the air.
Oh, and a fight song? Really? Fight songs are for college teams, and since our definitive list of 76 reasons to hate Philadelphia is meant to be an all-inclusive takedown, perhaps we should begin there.
Can anyone even name the Big Five (15) now? It hasn’t been relevant as an entity in decades, and if not for Villanova stealing Jay Wright (16) and his insufferable collection of Bruno Magli shoes (17) out from under Rutgers’ nose in 2001, we might have forgotten college sports existed in the city at all. The Palestra (18) is a dump. Temple (19) produced Bill Cosby (20). ‘Nuff said.
Onto the NBA. It is hard to muster anything more than a mild annoyance for the irrelevant 76ers (21) these days, but they did steal Julius Erving (22) from the Nets for a bag of Parkway tokens. Allen Iverson (23) literally made “practice” a curse word for a generation of athletes. Sam Hinkie (24) tried to pretend that deliberately losing games for half a decade was “The Process” (25) — and all that tanking still hasn’t gotten Joel Embiid (26) out of the conference semifinals. Yeesh.
At least the Flyers (27) have maintained their despicability despite years of decay. Eric Lindros (28). Bobby Clarke (29). Heeeexxxxxtttalll (30). Hell, this list could be entirely Flyers goons (31). There is probably still a trainer’s room somewhere in the old Spectrum (32) where you can find traces of Dave Brown’s DNA (33). Imagine taking pride in a franchise identity centered around bludgeoning your more skilled opponents. And Gritty (34) is just a fatter version of Animal from The Muppet Show.
Let’s shift to baseball. In addition to having the lamest nickname in all of pro sports, the Phillies (35) boast some of the sport’s more annoying players, too. Chase Utley (36). Mitch Williams (37). Given recent events involving Lenny Dykstra (38), most Mets fans might prefer to pretend he played in Philadelphia for his entire career. This franchise ruined Joe Girardi (39) forever. These are the fans that made Kate Upton angry. The Phillie Phanatic (40) tickles children with its tongue. And we’re supposed to think that’s cute?
(Wait. This just dawned on me. Not only did Philadelphia steal Rocky, but it needed Newark native Michael B. Jordan to play Apollo Creed in the Rocky remakes (41). And let’s face it: “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” (42) wasn’t funny until it cast New Jersey native Danny Devito — and it only did that against its creators’ will. How many times do we have to bail you out, Philly? You’re welcome.)
Now, finally, the Eagles (43). Where to even begin? If not for one brilliant play, they’d be still chasing that first Super Bowl — and the Eagles fired the coach, Doug Pederson (44), who drew up Philly Special (45). Before that, it was all Terrell Owens (46) lifting weights in a driveway, and Donovan McNabb (47) taking phone calls on the sideline, and Buddy Ryan (48) doing Buddy Ryan things. An entire movie, “Invincible” (49), exists because the team once signed a bartender from South Philly (50) to play special teams.
The 2017 Eagles team (51) deserves its own special category, of course. The dog masks (52). Nick Freakin’ Foles (53). To quote the famous Jason Kelce victory speech (54): “No one likes us. No one likes us. No one likes us. We don’t care. We’re from Philly. F–ing Philly. No one likes us. We don’t care.” So, hey, he scores points for historical accuracy!
Look, it isn’t all Philly fans. Just the ones that threw ice balls (55) at Verne Lundquist, who cheered (56) Michael Irvin’s career-ending injury, who intentionally threw up (57) on an 11-year-old girl (no this really happened). It wasn’t just a horse that got punched outside the Linc (58). It was a police horse (59) — and then the guy sued (60) the police! Who does that?
Will Smith (61) is from Philly. Michael Buffer (62), too. Larry Fine (63), the least funny stooge. Candy Corn (64) was invented in Philly. Parking in the middle of streets (65) is allowed in Philly. “Philadelphia Freedom” (66) is a bad song. Hall (67) & Oates (68) met in Philly. Ben Franklin (69) wasn’t even in “Hamilton.” The Philadelphia Zoo (70) once lost its Peacocks. Wing Bowl (71) was just gross.
Bradley Cooper (72). Why? Just because.
What even is a Mummer? (73)
Finally, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention “The City of Brotherly Love” (74), which is a motto without a hint of self awareness. In fact, right now, I guarantee someone in Philadelphia is taking this list waaaaay too seriously (75) and crafting an angry all-caps email. (Don’t be that guy. It’s all in good fun!)
As for Wawas … OK, fine, thanks for those. But Philly cheesesteaks (76) are overrated — and, like everything else, better in Jersey.
Steve Polliti:
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